Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
