I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
