And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
That reminds me...we need to get swords
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
