Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
