I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
why is half of my head shaved?
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