But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
