Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
