mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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