Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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