he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
