I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
