I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Randomize
