you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
