We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Randomize
