Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Randomize
