Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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