Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
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