Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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