I hate your face
Michael Bay diarrhea
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Randomize
