Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
