God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
