What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
