Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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