An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
The air taste purple.
Randomize
