He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
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So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
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Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Randomize