He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
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had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
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The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.