i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
25 Shocking High School Scandals You Won’t Believe Are True
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick