Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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