If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
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He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
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When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish