I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
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