i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
