he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
