i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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