why didn't you poke me back
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
