My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
