what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
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who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
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The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
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