Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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