I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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