i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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