I puked a lego.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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