YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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