I feel like abortions should bother me more
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
