We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
