Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
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