The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
