i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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