I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
