i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
How does one acquire holy water?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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