I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
