A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Randomize
