I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
