I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
