I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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