WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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