Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
