Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
soo... how was my night?
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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