I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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