When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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