ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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