Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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