tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
