You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Let's paint friendship bongs
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
