There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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