vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
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