I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Randomize
