the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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